~*~Mind Palace~*~

A must read for any Ringo fan. WARNING: CAN BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE TO SOME

Ringo had his first ring when he was 8 weeks old in the uterus. He used a piece of his own umbilical cord, wrapping it around one of his fingers and wearing it for the full term. After being born he was like “Sup, mom.” And Ringo’s mother said “Oh damn this kid is going to be special. Unf.” Ringo just stood up and dusted himself off. The nurses offered him a blanket but he politely declined. “No thanks, I’m cool.” He pushed his own mum out of the hospital in her wheelchair, and on the way home insisted they go to the jeweler to get him a real ring. “Okay, baby Ringo,” his mum said. She bought him a huge ruby ring.

A fortnight later, Ringo and his family were at home and his mum needed groceries for dinner. “Why don’t you get some food at the butcher?” she asked the two-and-a-half week old boy. She tried to hand him a 10 bob note but Ringo declined. “No thanks,” he said.

As little Ringo strutted down the street, countless girls fainted from his sheer sexiness. Upon his entry into the butcher shop, the butcher declared “Awww shoot it’s Ringo!”

“Give me a cow,” Ringo demanded.

“Okay, whatever you want,” the butcher agreed. He handed the tiny baby Ringo a lead to a live cow, which Ringo promptly killed and carried home.

When he got home his astonished mother interrogated “How did you get that? How much did it cost?”

“Don’t worry about it, mum,” Ringo replied cooly.

“I love you, baby Ringo!” his mum declared in adoration.

As he aged, Ringo only acquired more sexiness. He gained more rings from all of he women within a 150 mile radius who could smell his incredibly strong pheromones. The women came flocking with gifts to impress him, but obviously 4 year old Ringo was not thoroughly impressed by the gap-toothed British women. However, he accepted the rings graciously, causing the women to faint and nearly die from his overwhelming sexiness. At that point, Ringo would bring them back to life with his sexy Ringo powers.

Ringo began school at the age of 5, but school officials soon learned that he couldn’t got to school because all of the little girls became utterly distracted in his presence and only wanted to kiss his feet at all times. Even the female teachers felt this way. Instead of going through school, little Ringo was just awarded a diploma and given 100 percent credit for every class.

“Really?” he asked, hardly impressed.

“Obviously you already know everything we could teach you,” the headmaster replied nervously.

Since Ringo didn’t have to go to school, he spent his time doing other things, like making sweet love to Brazilian models. Ringo decided he’d pick up an instrument. “Anything for you,” his mother encouraged, “since we are super duper rich from selling most of your rings and having all those women donate their entire fortunes to you.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna take up the drums just because they’re hot,” Ringo decided.

In a matter of 3.7 milliseconds Ringo became the greatest drummer in the world. “Okay, aced that,” he said, and proceeded to become the best player in the world of every instrument. It took him about two minutes.

Ringo began to get rather bored with his amazing life, so his mother told him about a fortune teller in town that he could go visit for fun. Five-and-a-half year old Ringo drove down the street in his Porsche/Rolls Royce combo convertible hybrid which he invented for himself, that was powered on his own awesomeness and the tears of all the women that were pining for him.

The fortune teller Ringo went to see was fortunately (ha pun) blind, so she was not hopelessly distracted by Ringo’s dashing good looks. “Thank god,” he remarked, relieved, when he realised she couldn’t see him.

“I know I can’t see you, but I can still smell your pheromones,” she explained. “This is going to be really hard for me…” Nonetheless the fortune teller was still able to give Ringo his fortune.

“When you get older,” she said, “you are going to meet three important people. One is a pouf named Paul, the second a complete loon named John, and the third a wannabe Indian named George. They are going to ask you to join their band. One of two things can happen. One, you can say yes to them and become the biggest band ever known to mankind and reap all the benefits of your fame, including lots of beautiful women. Two, you can say no, and the band will simply play small pubs around Liverpool and those three men will all die a slow, unhappy, painful death due to their lack of fame which they could have achieved with you.”

Ringo considered this. “Well, I do want the ladies… So I guess I’ll say yes,” he decided.

Ringo got back in his car, refilled his tank with tears and started to drive home. But instead of going home, he just kept driving all the way to Tibet, where he became a monk in a monastery and achieved enlightenment. He also mastered the art of king fu. This took about a week. Then the little boy not even six years of age returned to Liverpool.

All Ringo had to do now was wait to meet the three men that the fortune teller mentioned. In the meantime, he went to university and pursued every subject, achieving a doctorate in each one. By the age of 7, he had thousands of doctorates and was so bored with his life that he built a time machine and fast-forwarded to his life with The Beatles.

The other three had the following reactions when they met Ringo:

John immediately became aroused and exclaimed “HOT DAMN MMMMM UNF”. “That’s right,” Ringo said smugly.

Paul was ecstatic. “OH MY GOD, ISN’T HE PERFECT! HE CAN PLAY THE DRUMS!” he squealed. “You can beat my drum any time,” he added with a wink.

George, who could not see Ringo through his overwhelming unibrow, did not fall victim to Ringo’s mesmerizing features. “You sound cool. Let’s have a beer.”

“Yeah, I think George and I will be friends,” Ringo thought to himself.

With his piercing blue eyes Ringo promptly made John and Paul faint, and then proceeded to walk off with George into the sunset and go to a pub. It was that night George got laid for the first time because all of the women who had unfulfilled desires for Ringo defaulted to him. 36 women had sex with George that night. 

Over the next few years, Ringo and George had the best friendship ever and were part of the biggest band in the world. Ringo controlled the band with his super mind control powers of sex.

However, Ringo soon tired of the overwhelming fame and endless tours the band was forced to do. So, he invented Yoko and programmed her to destroy the band. Because she was Ringo’s creation, John instantly fell in love with her and become her mind slave, causing Paul to become jealous. This effectively broke up the band. George was too high on hash to even care, and left for India where he had a Wexican son because again, he was too high to notice that Olivia wasn’t in fact Indian.

As Ringo aged he remained the epitome of hotness. His pheromone ring grew from the 150 miles it spanned at age 3 to a staggering 150,000 miles in radius. He continued to have hot sex with models every day because he just has that much stamina because he’s Ringo Starr.

Ringo recently revisited that same blind psychic he first saw when he was five years old. “How’d I do?” he asked her.

“You did awesome,” she assured him. “The only thing left is to save the world from the 2012 apocalypse. There will be aliens and earthquakes and tsunamis and did I mention aliens and the wrath of God but I think you can handle it, Ringo.”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine,” he agreed. “Me and God are pretty tight.”

Ringo will shoot of into they sky with his rocket feet and stop meteors from crashing on the Earth. He also plans on stopping global warming.

Maybe.